article written by Hayley Munro
Draw a dog (the goodest boy you can).
Draw two dogs.
Go outside and write. Be one with nature. We can tell that you haven’t left your house in a week and live off of ramen noodles. We’re worried about you.
Use a title longer and more convoluted than “Submission Tips That Will Always Get Your Work Accepted No Matter What 100% I Swear We’ll Think You’re Shakespeare or Something”.
Submit the same poem (with different titles) six times.
Write a poem that isn’t about Trump (but the whole thing is a metaphor for Trump).
Use long, complicated words that no one understands and that our editorial staff aren’t even sure are words, but we are so awe-inspired by your brilliance that we don’t bother to check.
PUNS. USE THEM. THIS IS NOT SARCASM.
Write something beautiful. Make us cry. Submit the War Horse screenplay.
(Except maybe don’t do that. Submit War Dog so you aren’t stealing anyone else’s ideas. Integrity is important. So are dogs.)
Make it “relatable”. You know how important that is. You know why we still read Shakespeare? Because Titus Andronicus is so relatable.
WRITE EVERYTHING IN CAPS LOCK.
Or Comic Sans.
Only write three words. No one likes to read.
(Just because our submission guidelines say you can write up to two thousand words, doesn’t mean we won’t reject your short story if it’s longer than five.)
Never use the letter ‘e’ (that’s how you write real literature).
Highly saturate your photography. Blind us so we can’t see anyone else’s.
Paint with your hands. Or someone else’s hands (but always ask for consent first).
Eat your poem. Don’t even submit it. We get so many. Just eat it and write something else.
Bribe us. Do it. I dare you.
Or ignore all of this. Just trust yourself. Submit something you’re proud of. We never know what we’re going to like until we see it.
And keep submitting. Don’t give up on your work. You’re an artist, and nothing we say is ever going to change that.